How to Stop Attracting All the Wrong People in Relationships

If your dating history feels like a loop of disappointment, heartbreak, and people who “seemed great at first,” you’re not alone. Many of us repeat patterns in dating — not because we’re unlucky, but because we haven’t paused long enough to figure out why we keep choosing the wrong people.

The good news? You don’t have to keep attracting unavailable, emotionally immature, or toxic partners. When you shift your mindset and habits, your dating life shifts too.

Let’s break down why this happens — and how to stop the cycle once and for all.

Why You Keep Attracting the Wrong People

It’s easy to blame bad luck, or dating apps, or “all the good ones being taken.” But deeper than that, there’s often a pattern rooted in what you believe about love — and yourself.

According to licensed therapist and dating coach Silvy Khoucasian, people who repeatedly attract emotionally unavailable partners often have unresolved wounds tied to self-worth and attachment. “We’re drawn to familiar dysfunctions,” she explains, “even when they hurt.”

In other words, if chaos or inconsistency feels normal — even subconsciously — we’ll mistake it for chemistry.

Ask yourself:

• Do I confuse intensity with connection?
• Do I ignore red flags because I want to be chosen?
• Do I chase validation instead of mutual interest?

Recognizing your role doesn’t mean blaming yourself — it means empowering yourself to choose differently.

Red Flags You Might Be Missing Early On

The people you’re attracting aren’t always the problem. Sometimes it’s the people you’re choosing to pursue even when the signs are there.

Here are some early red flags we often overlook:

• They’re vague about what they want (“I’m just seeing where things go”)
• They love-bomb you fast, then pull away
• They complain about all their exes — but take no accountability
• They struggle with communication or avoid serious topics
• You feel anxious more often than you feel secure

You deserve someone whose energy brings clarity, not confusion.

Dating expert Matthew Hussey shares in this video that consistency over time is the most honest signal of someone’s intentions. Don’t just listen to what they say — watch what they do.

How to Shift What You Attract

So how do you stop the pattern and start attracting better matches? Here’s where real change begins.

1. Get Clear on What Healthy Love Looks Like

Most people can describe what they don’t want in a partner. But can you describe what you do want?

Healthy love looks like:

• Safety, not suspense
• Respect, not guessing games
• Reciprocity, not chasing
• Encouragement, not criticism

Define your non-negotiables. If they’re unclear to you, they’ll be unclear in your dating life too.

2. Heal the Parts of You That Accept Less

Attracting the wrong people is often tied to unmet needs — the parts of us that crave attention, approval, or validation. If we haven’t healed those wounds, we’ll chase love that triggers them.

Therapy, journaling, and even reading resources like Attached by Amir Levine can help you identify your attachment style and how it plays into dating dynamics.

Healing isn’t about being perfect. It’s about making decisions from self-worth, not self-doubt.

3. Raise Your Standards (and Actually Stick to Them)

You can’t say “I want a committed, emotionally available partner” and keep entertaining someone who flakes, dodges deep conversations, or treats you like an option.

Your standards only work if you honor them — especially when it’s hard.

Try this mindset shift:

“The right person won’t run from my standards. They’ll rise to meet them.”

4. Slow Down the Process

It’s easier to see red flags when you’re not rushing. Take time to ask real questions. Watch how they handle boundaries, setbacks, or feedback.

Dating isn’t a race — it’s a filter. Slow down so you can sort through what’s real.

5. Focus on What You Feel Like Around Them

Forget the checklist for a second. What’s the energy like when you’re with them?

Do you feel seen, heard, and respected? Or do you feel unsure, overlooked, or on edge?

Our nervous systems are smarter than we give them credit for. If your body feels tense around someone, listen.

When You Change, What You Attract Changes Too

You can’t control other people — but you can control your patterns. When you start dating from a place of clarity and confidence, you’ll naturally stop entertaining people who don’t match your values.

That’s what happened to Dana, a 36-year-old who spent years in back-to-back toxic relationships. After six months of therapy and personal reflection, she decided to stay single until someone matched her energy. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” she said. “But the peace I found made it so worth it.”

Six months later, she met someone who communicated well, showed up consistently, and matched her desire for emotional safety.

Same apps. Same city. Completely different outcome.

Because she was different.